Bird Attack

I know nothing about birds. I am no good at identifying birds. So what follows is my best description of the giant bird that attacked my car while driving on Braddock Road in Fairfax today.

The thing was like Rodan’s cousin. Or maybe it was the drunk uncle of Hawkman from Buck Rogers. Or possibly it was the lazy Vulture from Looney Tunes. Whatever the hell it was, the bird was friggin gigantic.

Here’s the scene. I’m driving about 50 MPH up Braddock, cruising along the treeline, when suddenly this gigantic brown and white Hawk/Buzzard/American-Bald-Eagle-looking massive scary bird swoops out of the trees, dive bombing right into the hood of my car. The bird then bounced off the hood and hovered, spreading its wings to full span which was (I swear) the width of my hood, and then it let out a blood-curdling screech. Of course my moving car proceeded to whack the hell out of the hovering war-bird one more time before it recovered and flew next to my car until I outran it.

This is a true story. I am beginning to rethink my daily route to George Mason. First my car exploded into a giant ball of fire on Braddock Road and now giant birds are attacking me there.

One option would be to Metro to Fairfax each morning, but then I’m afraid King Kong would grab the train a-la the poster for the 1976 re-make. I could try driving 66 but then I’d probably get picked off by some sniper while stuck in traffic.

Anyway I look at my situation it is lose-lose. Of course there is no guarantee that the giant killer bird will remain exclusively on Braddock Road, hence my warning to all of you to be on the look out for this Aviarian Assassin in your neck of the woods.

Originally published on April 20, 2005.

This was insane when it happened and is still crazy even today.