IHOP’s Official Infidelity Policy

I tend to get into interesting conversations when I am out alone late at night. It is one of the reasons I love DC’s night-life. I’m not the most out-wardly social fella but something seems to change around 3 in the morning when suddenly I am Dr. fucking Phil.

Tonight is a prime example.

My wife is out of town. I decided to go have a couple of beers at the Rock-It-Grill in Old-Town, down the street from my house. I don’t vouch for the Rock-It other than if you are hard-up for some Red Hook ESB in Old Town or if you are looking for some Karaoke which they have 7 night’s a week.

Anyway, I go there for a few cold-ones after night-school tonight. By the end of the night I am arguing with some woman about experimental short-fiction and realize that she has picked me up. Like she’s thinking I’m going home with her, when I am not.

I extract myself from the situation and decide IHOP on Rte 1 would be the best place to go chill out. Really anything to avoid going home to my empty house. It’s like a tomb when G is out of town.

So I am at IHOP, by myself, eating my stack of pancakes when my waitress comes over and starts asking me about my weekend. I tell her all about the birthday and AC. Then wrap up with the Rock-It-Grill story.

My waitress then launches into a philosophy-of-sex lecture for about 10 minutes. As her instructions on the justification of cheating and the logistics of the act was coming to a close I decided that this would forever be known as IHOP’s Official Infidelity Policy.

Here are its main tenants:

1. It is okay for men to fool around – but not women (they may only fantasize and masturbate).

2. A man must never let his woman know he is cheating.

3. Always cheat with someone who is a step-up from your woman (a.financially or b.socially but c.not physically)

* a & b so if you are caught and she dumps you you have benefited from the indiscretion but c because if you get caught and "the bitch" is ugly you may be able to talk your woman into taking you back.

In the end the IHOP Policy is all for guys “going for it.” And if you do “go for it” and then you get caught IHOP will always be there to drown your sorrow in pancakes and maple syrup.

Originally published on July 26, 2005.